U funny dating one liners

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Funniest One Liners

Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column. He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, ‘How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper? It represents a view often taken by British people when looking at the society that they have helped create.

Open up with a Witty Introductory One Liner: Use a silly one liner to open up conversation, such as: My mom said I shouldn’t talk to strangers, but you don’t look scary.

I just broke 80! He can never understand how a hooker can be happy. His golf is improving. My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica. He lost his ball. Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. There are three ways to lower your golf score:

Funny Jokes About Being Single

I like you for your personality. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Mar 17,  · 1. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 2. I think, therefore I’m single. 3. If you love something, turn it loose. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.

Sometimes, he was a little cringe-y, but most of the time, he was straight up hilarious — even if his humor often involved embarrassing his coworkers and himself. After he moved to Colorado with Holly, the show just wasn’t the same without him, and I have a feeling that could be because he was the funniest part. Whether it’s part of his banter with Dwight or one of his unique observations of the world, here are 15 of Michael Scott’s best one-liners.

But then again, I also have the sense of humor of a twelve year old, so that could possibly have something to do with it as well. My favorite of Michael’s “that’s what she said” moments? When Pam read his list of possible situations where it would be appropriate to say it, and they were all totally awful and unnatural. At least he was trying!

He gives him this longwinded explanation that’s basically word salad and makes absolutely no sense, and then, after their chat, he drops this bomb on us. And if we’re being honest here, we all know it’s not just Michael who does this — even if not everyone is willing to admit it quite as bluntly as Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch manager is. It’s basically all of us. You do it, too! This comes from the episode where Michael is still dating Donna, even though she’s married, and Andy tries to convince him that he is not the hero here.

Examples of Puns – from Pun of the Day

Disclaimer Famous One-Liners There are literally thousands of popular one liners in English and also in other languages. This List of quotes and sayings commonly used in everyday conversational English, can help to speak English like a native speaker by learning English idiomatic expressions and proverbs. Funny One Liners When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Nursing One Liners Jokes. Back to: People Jokes: Nurse Jokes. What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? “Some asshole has my pen!” What do you call a duck in a clinic? Nurse Quacktioner. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck. The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. There were some pretty egregiously sexist and offensive lines in this list we decided to remove after being pointed out by a reader on Twitter. The human brain is a wonderful thing. What were we talking about? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

Funny one liners for online dating profile

What a punderful feeling. Top 10 Funniest Jokes according to 2, voters for Dave Funny man: Darren Walsh has won the prestigious award I just deleted all the German names off my phone. One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter – Masai Graham If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go – Dave Green Jesus fed 5, people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas – Mark Nelson Red sky at night.

All comedy is subjective, so that headline is bollocks. Let’s rephrase it. We’ve had a quick scout around the internet for the best one-liners we could find and these were the ones that made us chortle.

In this world there two things involved: Either you are born a man or women If you are a Woman you are safe, but if you are born a man there are two things involved: Either you are in Military or Civilian If you are civilian you are safe, if you are in Military there two things involved: Either in office or war front If you are in office you are safe, if you are in war front there two things involved: Either you kill somebody or somebody kills you If you kill somebody you are safe, if somebody kills you there two things involved: Either you will be buried or you body will be used for manure If you are buried you are safe if your body is used for manure two things involved: Either will be used to grow flowers or used to grow trees If you used to grow flowers you are safe, but if used to grow trees two things involved: Either will be used to manufacture tissue paper or furniture If used for furniture you are safe, if used for tissue paper two things involved: Either you will be used by a Men or Women If used by Men you are safe, if used by Women two things involved: Either you will be used from back or used from front If used from back you are safe, if used from front two things involved Either you contact gonorrhea or you contact HIV If you contact gonorrhea you are safe, if you contact HIV only one thing is for sure Which is?

It’s not just the way you tell ’em: researchers find the official 50 funniest jokes of all time

Pick Up Lines Girl, your so hot my zipper is falling for you! If I can’t get some love, I’d like to get a piece. On my last date, we played strip poker.

Edinburgh Fringe: The 35 funniest one-liners from this year’s festival. A panel of 10 of the country’s finest comedy critics have scoured venues to pick the cream of the crop.

So what can you say to make your message really stand out? Check out our tips on composing great opening lines for online dating that will help conquer your nerves so you can hurry up and get noticed! Tweet Maybe you just came across their profile and are feeling brave enough to shoot from the hip, or maybe like many of us! The initial message is all about establishing interest on both sides, so if you speak another language using a casual greeting in another tongue is a great way to grab their attention!

Gender Considerations Men are more likely to receive a response from ladies if they are thoughtful of suppressing that instinctual-yet-intimidating instinct to appear manly. Studies show that women interested in meet ups from online dating sites are more receptive to a humble and even vulnerable demeanor. Get inside knowledge on texts that will leave them craving more! You need to confirm your email address.

Chandler Bing’s Funniest One-Liners